Archive for August, 2007
via videosift.com
Transcription:
Fornication…
… ’scuse me.
For an occasion such as this, I’d like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Shane and Tina’s. A wise man told me that the best man speech should last as long as the groommate’s love.
… Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
I’m standing up here tonight representing the category for best man. A term that is unjustly appointed to me, and not deserved. Though it’s a great honor, I’m not really the best man, just a good guy. The best man here tonight, is Shane Seaver. Now as I mentioned it’s a great honor to be the best man, but with that comes a role: writing this speech. And to be honest with you, to make the process a bit easier, I decided to turn to the internet for some help.
The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips, I began searching the web. After a couple hours of searching, I found some really good stuff. But then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for speech ideas.
I did actually find several speech ideas, unfortunately none of them were about a couple named Shane and Tina who lived in Lincoln. Shane was born on June 19, 1974. I tried to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day, although the Henderson hospital staff still refers to that day as “Ugly Wednesday.”
Unfortunately Shane was a slow starter… at playschool Shane was different from all the other 5-year olds… he was 11.
Shane and Tina are each great individuals and together they truly make an unstoppable couple. They are both caring, strong-willed, and intelligent. Their love for one other is apparent to each one of us today. The great thing about Shane and Tina is that they have planned far more than their wedding, they have planned their marriage. As a matter of fact, Shane has already found out the married man is one who replaces the money in his wallet with a picture of his wife.
Shane is always excellent in everything he does, whether it was school, friends, his career, sports… even if he was the last one to be picked. And I know that if he models his parents Don and Sherry, then he will be a wonderful spouse for Tina. And since I’m married, I guess I should give you a little marriage advice – one thing that my wife Jodie and I … we never go to bed angry, we usually just stay up and argue.
Ladies and gentlemen, these two people are very important to us. Without them the night would be a little less joyous. The great thing about this is as the evening progresses, most of us will have the opportunity to spend more time talking with them. So please join me in a very personal toast… to the bar staff. Thank you.
Tonight I’m here free of charge. And I hope you found me worth every penny. But I only have a minute left, which normally I would reserve for rupturous applause for myself. However, on this occasion I’ll finish with a poem that sums up marriage quite nicely (it’s good).
“The perfect groom is gentle, never harsh, cruel, or mean
he has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean
the perfect groom likes children, and will raise them by your side
he’ll be a good father and husband to his bride
the perfect groom loves cooking, cleaning, and laundry too
he’ll do anything in his power to show his love for you
the perfect groom is sweet, writing poetry from your name
he’s the best friend to your mother, and kisses away your pain
he’ll never make you cry or hurt you in any way
and if this poem stands to be true, then Shane… you really are gay.”
The dropping of all 37 charges against the ‘King of Klang’ Zakaria Mohd Deros has raised more questions than it has settled, Opposition Leader Lim Kit Siang said today.
He decried the decision to drop the charges as “another grave blow to public confidence” in the independence, integrity, and professionalism of the state institutions.
“Were the authorities serious in charging Zakaria with 37 offences under the Companies Act 1965 in the first instance?” asked Lim.
Another of Zakaria’s lawyers, Mozni Sham Ahmad said the charges were not against the seven as individuals but against the companies.
“My client is a state assemblyman who upholds the law and has never breached it,” Mozni was reported to have said.
“My client is a state assemblyman who upholds the law and has never breached it”?
What a joke!
Tips from USA Police. This is a good reminder for all of us.
- The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
- If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you, chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
- If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
- Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their check book, or making a list, etc.) DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
- A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
- Be aware: look around you; look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (And check out under the car as you approach.)
- If you’re parked next to a big van you should enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
- Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
- ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
- If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ, RUN!
- As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women? He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her “Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.” The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, “We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.” He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby cry recorder and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they heard baby cries outside their doors ! when they’re home alone at night. Please pass this on! and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.
This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on: America’s Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.
Hilarious! This is the way to fight back when it comes to unsolicited calls.
I’m not a die hard fan of The Smashing Pumpkins but I kinda like them. Their latest album “Zeitgeist” was released on July 2007 in the United States and Canada. It is the first studio album The Smashing Pumpkins have released since their 2000 disbandment and 2005 reformation. Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin are the only former Smashing Pumpkins members performing on the album.
Tarantula by The Smashing Pumpkins
People who love them just love them, other people may just think their music is purely noise, and I definitely don’t belong to the latter.
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